ComaI'm Jezanna, of course.
It's been a while since you've been here. Almost a year. What's made you come back?
I... I don't know. I felt I needed to. Things changed. Now they're changing back.
Uhuh. Well, what do you want to be, Jez?
A writer. I've always wanted to be a writer.
Are you sure?
... Not anymore.
Well, why?
Like I've said, things have changed, okay? Not that I've really liked it.
What do you mean by that?
I mean I became a different person. Some ways, for the better- I'm a stronger Christian now. I'm a healthier person. In other ways- I've lost myself. I'm not artistic anymore. I can't remember the last time I've written anything, or hung out with my fellow writers and had conversations as our characters. I... I miss that.
So why don't you just go back?
It's not that easy. People at school, authorities, everyone around me- they expect things from me. I only want to make them happy.
Are you happy?
No. Not really.
How did they change you? What's such a big deal about their expectations?
This is the world's expectations we're talking about, here. They expect me to make A's in school, they expect me to be a wonderful class secretary and socialize with everyone in my grade. They expect me to participate in school sports and love everything they love, and when I go to college, they expect me to go somewhere they have chosen specifically for me.
I don't make these goals, I'm a nobody in the eyes of the world.
Are these goals your goals, too?
I... don't know.
How can you not know your own goals?
That's not what I mean! I mean, I want to do well in school, and I want to go to a good college. And I certainly don't want anyone to hate me in my grade or anything.
That's doesn't really answer the question. Are they yours or not?
... I can't tell anymore. I used to have goals of my own, I did. I just can't remember them. I can't remember who I used to be.
Maybe you should just forget the world. It shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks- haven't you ever heard that?
*sigh* Yes, yes, I hear it every day of my life. But I can't just throw away people's opinions of me. I depend on them too much. I... I need people to approve of me.
Why? Why are they so important?
If you're a nobody in the eyes of the world, who will remember you when you're gone?
... Let's step back some. How have you been feeling lately, Jez?
Terrible. Absolutely terrible. I'm frustrated and anxious all the time. I feel like I'm missing out on something, but I don't know what. Everything is falling apart.
Do you think it has something to do with how you've changed?
It has everything to do with it. I want to go back to the way I was- just not entirely.
I think you're going to have to explain that.
I don't want to be immature and dramatic like I was. I want to still be confident, happy, social- all the positive changes. I still want to be friends with the people I've met. But I want to get my creativity back, I want my drive back, my reason for living. I want a balance.
This seems pretty sudden. What's brought this up?
I can't honestly say. Something has started shifting again, like I said. I don't know what it was, or what triggered it, but lately, everything I've done to try to find solid ground has done nothing but made me trip and fall again. I feel like I've been sleeping for a very, very long time. Like I've accomplished nothing. I don't even feel anything anymore.
So, like a coma?
Exactly like a coma.
Well, come back to the real world then, Jez. It's time to wake up again.
I wish it was that simple.
~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~
This is a conversation between me and myself.
I've had it every night for the past week.
I'd like the world to stop spinning now. Please, God, let me wake up again.
~Jezanna
'When people are taken out of their depths they lose their heads, no matter how charming a bluff they may put up.'
~Anonymous
Agony
--
"The good writers touch life often. The mediocre ones run a quick hand over her. The bad ones rape her and leave her for the flies."
-Faber
Ray Bradbury's
Fahrenheit 451
--
"The good writers touch life often. The mediocre ones run a quick hand over her. The bad ones rape her and leave her for the flies."
-Faber
Ray Bradbury's
Fahrenheit 451
--
Tell him, when you see him...They're fired.
-Paulie-
--
subliminalzwldbhtngdbdmessages
"This war will never be forgotten... nor will the heroes who fight in it."
--
~Nikki Fia
See my original style,
unqiue talent and all around wackiness
--
'A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit.'
~Richard Bach
--
~Nikki Fia
See my original style,
unqiue talent and all around wackiness
--
'A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit.'
~Richard Bach
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